Reality Check

Last night I was blessed with finding a video tape showing my old house on Leticia Drive. I thought I had no record of the paintings I did in Logan's room of the sun, the tree, the moon, his name...Nothing! Well at last I found documentation! It was amazing to see me back then and back then was August 2004. I was beautiful. Healthy. Calm. Happy. I had my own house, a beautiful three year old who loved me, a new car and a career. How fortunate!?!

Then toward the end of the tape was the kicker:
Me. In the red room, aka my office. Looking at the camera and saying:
"I cut my hair off.
I sold my house.
Life sucks."

BAM! There it was in color. My visible falling point.

I should've never sold MY house. I should've never dated for the first year of my divorce, maybe two. I should've bought a new car that was less. I should've never stopped working. I should've gotten down with God.

What do I do today, you ask? How do I get up and not repeat the past? I have no idea! LOL I really don't! All I can figure is to make a list of to-do's, pray, stop eating so much, start moving more, be nice and make it happen.

I only cried once this afternoon, too. It wasn't a bad cry this time, though. I cried for hurting myself for the past few years and beating myself up. I hugged myself this morning and told me it's going to be okay. I believe it...I think. LOL Normally, my tears fall because I'm having a pity whiny party. Today they fell because I want to take care of me.

If you saw this video, you would be like, "Who IS the cute, tan, successful looking woman?" And then you would see the short dark haired woman and just cry...not balling and sobbing, but a weeping...I ached for myself for the first time that I can remember.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to say at this point, otherthan I'm sorry to me. I deserve more than I've given myself and it's time to pay up. In turn, taking care of myself will allow me to take care of others...better.

Love to all and I'll leave you with this:

Life is a festival to be celebrated, not a drudgery to be endured.

Duh! xoxo