Peanuts

I have been going through my garage and came across notes from long ago regarding my relationship with the previously and affectionately mentioned, "M-f'er"...well...I'm an asshole. I read journal entry and journal entry about how we shouldn't be together because I was so damaged from my late husband, (when I say late, I mean ex), and how much confusion resided within me...it's quite a poignant tale...

One entry read, "He asked me why I felt I didn't deserve to be loved?" I shutter at this because I remember the exact moment we had this discussion. I told him why should he bother to love someone like me and he should be on his way and he said that he wanted the chance to love me if only I would let him...

What people don't realize is that someone in my state had no business letting anyone inside...it's taken almost four fucken years to put my failed marriage behind me and now I want to move forward with my life. I feel like I'm so fucken close to true happiness yet so far away.

He's a good guy. He really is and he always said that I'm still good, too. I want him with me. Always. I want him to see the woman I've been sheltering from being hurt again and in the moment...I'm hurt. Again. Shit.